daftracist.tripod.com

This site was put together to share some of the chatroom conversations (some funny, some tragic) I have had using only quotes from TV and radio shows involving Alan Partridge. There may be some Brass Eye mixed in somewhere.

All conversations are 100% genuine, hence some bad grammar. There really is nothing to do round here...

Mike Sampson - Hello!

Mike Sampson - what do you do?

Mike Sampson - i supply fitted kitchens

Mike Sampson - i was just telling the others, ive been in the business for 15 years but i cant actually cook!

Mike Sampson - you see a cookery book here. wouldnt be much use to me!

Tia - i can't cook either

Mike Sampson - where do you live?

Mike Sampson - i live in acton in west london. is cambs nice?

Mike Sampson - acton is quite nice

Mike Sampson - a few too many blacks

Mike Sampson - i suppose its a bit like ladyboys

Mike Sampson - looks like a lady, but really its a man

Mike Sampson - youre not a man are you?

Tia - what with a name like Tia yeah sounds really masculine

Mike Sampson - the mind plays tricks. do you like owls?

Tia - what as in birds?

Mike Sampson - i know a cracking owl sanctuary

Tia - i work for the raptor foundation in cambs we have all birds of prey

Mike Sampson - have you ever had a chicken on your wrist?

Tia - no we have merlins,owl,eagles,harriers all older birds who have been hurt and rehabilitated

Mike Sampson - so theyre just birds, theyre not bird offenders?

Mike sampson - if you tried to execute a bird of prey they could hovver up so that the rope goes slack

Tia - just birds? they are the most majestic birds we have habitating in the uk

Mike Sampson - i suppose the most humane way would be death by firing squad

Tia - what are u on about?

Mike Sampson - im being bawdy, enjoy it

Tia - you have gone off now on something i don't understand

Mike Sampson - yeah...

Mike Sampson - are you married?

Mike Sampson - the best thing i ever did was get thrown out by my wife

Mike Sampson - she's living with a narccisistic sports pimp

Mike Sampson - he drinks that yellow stuff in tins

Mike Sampson - he's an idiot

Mike Sampson - if you cant cook, what do you do?

Tia - i muddle through

Mike Sampson - i get a lot of takeaways. they put raisins in it. bloody awful, but they do deliver

Mike Sampson - may i ask your age?

Mike Sampson - some people say life begins at 40. theyre notable by their abscence.

Mike Sampson - The Nerve!

Tia - i think my life really began at 40

Mike Sampson - i'd question that

Mike Sampson - do you have children?

Tia - no i do not have children

Mike Sampson - good call. ive got two. fernando (he's at cambridge) and denise. bit of a rebel

Tia - not interested in kids

Mike Sampson - can i shock you?

Mike Sampson - i like wine

Mike Sampson - despite what i just said earlier

Mike Sampson - ive got a cellar

Mike Sampson - theres no wine in it

Tia - why is that supposed to shock me?

Mike Sampson - yeah so do i. i just say give me a nice pint of... mineral water

Mike Sampson - im one of the anti cancer set. were a dying breed

Mike Sampson - well, were not, they are

Mike Sampson - im not saying youve got cancer

Mike Sampson - well, i dont know

Tia - are u alright?

Mike Sampson - ruddy bloody good actually

Tia - you seem to go off suddenly talking silly

Mike Sampson - I'll be honest, i'm at a loose end

Mike Sampson - Thats why im talking... talking...

Mike Sampson - Thats why im talking...

Tia - yeah but there is talking and talking nonsense

Mike Sampson - nonce sense?

Tia - no i didn't put that did i?

Mike Sampson - No. what music do you like?

Tia - pop.80's,classical

Mike Sampson - could you be more specific?

Mike Sampson - in a word - probably yes

Tia - more specific?

Tia - i like pop music. 80's pop and classical

Mike Sampson - thats more vague

Mike Sampson - UB40? def leppard? Wings??

Tia - i like the music not groups

Mike Sampson - abba?

Mike Sampson - the beatles?

Tia - i said i like music not particular groups

Mike Sampson - mike oldfield?

Mike Sampson - but you must have some preferences?

Mike Sampson - so how about films and tv?

Mike Sampson - i just have a sandwich and watch trevor mcdonald

Around one minute passed

Mike Sampson - youve gone again

Mike Sampson - are you a GP?

Mike Sampson - very heroic then. to do what you do for such rubbish money

Tia - rubbish money?

Tia - i think u have us mixed up with the nurses

Mike Sampson - just how much is it you people earn?

Tia - thats my business

Mike Sampson - im sorry. im deeply sorry

Mike Sampson - anything you want to ask about me, i'm always honest

Tia - yeah i notice u are honest

Tia - wanting to kill innocent birds

Mike Sampson - thats rather perceptive of you

Mike Sampson - i was just making smalltalk

Tia - not very nice though was it

Mike Sampson - i love animals

Mike Sampson - i had a dog

Mike Sampson - ...rommel

Tia - yeah and u probably shot it

Mike Sampson - both barrels. BANG!

Mike Sampson - im being light hearted

Tia - its not funny though

Mike Sampson - you started it. i only asked if there was anything youd like to ask me

Tia - if u are honest

Mike Sampson - yip. i do love animals, but when theyre pulling off your windscreen wipers at knowlesley safari park you lose sympathy

Tia - so why go there?

Mike sampson - i was drunk

Tia - so why were u driving if drunk?

Mike Sampson - that was someone else. if im driving i'll just have a half

Mike Sampson - what is your house like?

Tia - no u said u went to the safari park coz u were drunk and that the animals pulled ur wipers off

Mike Sampson - but i wasnt driving. ooh, its like cars,this! and whoopi goldbergs copper kettle

Mike Sampson - it wasnt whoopi goldbergs copper kettle

Mike Sampson - it was whoopi goldbergs cat

Tia - u dont talk sense

Mike Sampson - i'm digressing

Mike Sampson - babbling

Mike Sampson - Blathering Crap! shoot from your hip

Tia - and as for my house its four bedrooms one of which is an office

Mike Sampson - thats not really a bedroom then, is it? mines a bungalow. im so glad its a bungalow! all that stairs nonsense

Mike Sampson - i could have been R2D2

Tia - except he's cute

Mike Sampson - nice chest, but full of wires

Tia - small cute and loveable something u don't seem to be

Mike Sampson - touched a nerve, there. intriguing

Mike Sampson - were you ever married?

Mike Sampson - i did wonder. i thought you could marry now. wouldnt want to though

Tia - it isnt recognised in this country

Mike Sampson - NAZIS!!!

Mike Sampson - Whats it like to be a lesbian?

Another minute passes

Mike Sampson - youre quiet. the good thing about stephen hawkings is - he IS clear. so in response to my earlier question "are you a man?". I'll take that as a yes

Mike Sampson - his silence speaks volumes. i'm just gonna go and tell some other russians. see ya!

Tia - no i am not a man

Mike Sampson - i could fall in love with you...

Tia - i couldn't with u

Mike Sampson - thats not going to happen. youre a lesbian

Mike Sampson - you could be a goalkeeper

Mike Sampson - you COULD

Mike Sampson - could

Mike Sampson - not as much as i hate you though

Tia - thats fine u are entitled to your own opinion

Mike Sampson - its only because you think i hate animals

Mike Sampson - ok yeah i do

Mike Sampson - i make pigs smoke

Mike Sampson - and i also run over badgers in my tractor for fun

Tia - yeah u sound like that kind of person

Mike Sampson - headslapping?

Mike Sampson - whats it like to be a lesbian?

Tia - i can't explain that

Mike Sampson - well youre gonna have to, love

^Tia has left the forum^